Sharing, Caring and Quality Time - Part II

Show Your Love
Giving love means more than just saying "I love you." Your child can't understand what the words mean unless you also treat him with love. Be spontaneous, relaxed and affectionate with him. Give him plenty of physical contact through hugging, kissing, rocking and playing. Take the time to talk, sing and read with him every day. Listen and watch as he responds to you. By paying attention and freely showing your affection, you make him feel special and secure, and lay a firm foundation for his self-esteem.

Communicate Honestly and Openly
One of the most important skills you teach your child is communication. The lessons begin when he is a baby gazing into your eyes and listening to your soothing voice. They continue as he watches and listens to you talking with other members of the family and, later, as you help him sort out his concerns, problems and confusions. He needs you to be understanding, patient, honest and clear with him.

Good communication within a family is not always easy. It can be especially difficult when both parents are working, overextended or under a great deal of stress, or when one person is depressed or angry. Preventing a communications breakdown requires commitment, cooperation among family members and a willingness to recognize problems as they arise. Express your own feelings, and encourage your child to be equally open with you. Look for changes in his behavior that may signal sadness, fear, frustration or worry, and show that you understand these emotions. Ask questions, listen to the responses, and offer constructive suggestions.

Listen to yourself and consider what you say to your child before the words leave your mouth. In anger or frustration it's sometimes easy to make harsh, even cruel, statements, which you don't really mean but which your child may never forget. Thoughtless comments or jokes that seem incidental to you may be hurtful to your child. Phrases like "You stupid idiot," "That's a dumb question," or "Don't bother me" make your child feel worthless and unwanted and may seriously damage his self-esteem. If you constantly criticize or put him off, he may back away from you. Instead of looking to you for guidance, he may hesitate to ask questions and may mistrust your advice. Like everyone else, children need encouragement to ask questions and speak their minds. The more sensitive, attentive and honest you are, the more comfortable he'll feel being honest with you.

Spend Time Together
You cannot give your child all that he needs if you only spend a few minutes a day with him. In order to know you and feel confident of your love, he has to spend a great deal of time with you, both physically and emotionally. Spending this time together is possible, even if you have outside commitments. You can work full-time and still spend some intimate time with your child every day. The important thing is that it be time devoted just to him, meeting his needs and your needs together. Is there any fixed amount? No one can really say. One hour of quality time is worth more than a day of being in the same house but in different rooms. You can be at home full-time and never give him the undivided attention he requires. It's up to you to shape your schedule and direct your attention so that you meet his needs.

It may help to set aside a specific block of time for your child each day and devote it to activities he enjoys. Also, make an effort to include him in all family activities, such as meal preparation and mealtimes. Use these times to talk about each other's problems, personal concerns and the day's events.

Excerpted from Caring for Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5, Bantam 1999

(c) Copyright 2000 American Academy of Pediatrics